Let me start with, I don't think anyone is exempt from the effects of the middle age transition. Some people sail through easier and embrace it but it definitely depends on our attachments to certain things and certain events that are, or have taken place in our lives.
I like to think of it as a “mid life awakening” rather than the traditional “mid life crisis”, simply because one is more positive and it seems it is when you “wake up and snap out of it” and realize you are middle age. For some people age is something you think nothing of, but for some it is something you fear, or think is negative, or always thought you’d never experience. However let’s be very clear on one thing… no one is exempt from aging unless you expired early and in which case, aging is definitely the better option.
So here is my opinion, splashed out on paper, take what you like and ditch the rest!
Ok so you arrive at mid life, and you realize, time is marching on, and it is not waiting for you. Time is no longer something you can waste or squander, it has now become a valuable commodity. If you are vain, well, looks change. If you have depended on your body and your image, it is likely to be your perception that this aging thing and your body is going to betray you in the next decade. If you have been a caregiver you may look in the mirror, and see an older more tired version of your once perky self. You may find regret in your life and lost time you can never retrieve. During my thirties I was busy as a stay at home mom, losing both my parents between the age of 29 and 37 which is a whole other topic. My life jam packed with raising (and having) children and helping my mom through cancer after losing my dad to a stroke, and one day it seemed I woke up and I was forty. There was hardly any time to really stop and think prior to that! I have no regret as I lived my life doing what I wanted to do. (Minus the loss of the parent) Most of us look up, intermittently during raising our children, out of the flurry of action and craziness and realize… time has passed… when and how did that happen? Many of us still on the mountainous climb of parenthood.. You just can’t get off, because you’re only half way up the mountain. People who do not have children I have noticed through conversation, do not realize they have aged. It’s almost kind of comical (and I sort of envy them). It’s like they do not have that child to have as a gage of the passing of time. There’s nothing like looking at a twenty-three year old to know you are not as young as you once were.
So now you look up, the birthday approaches, maybe it’s not the fortieth but it’s thirty-nine or forty-one that is getting you worked up, regardless it is “mid-life” and as my friend said at 60, I now realize I am no longer middle age, since I haven’t met any 120yr olds! Yep , at 49, (almost fifty) I too, am very most likely, passed middle age!
When the marker age hits and the feeling of upset or disturbance or restlessness or dis-ease and comes over you and you’re not really sure why, what is happening, why is with this sense of urgency? Well in my thoughts, it’s simply because everything we have known, all of our “taken for granteds” have just up and left. The gift of youth (which I agree is wasted on the young) has just simply left. Now time is not on our side. It has ditched us while life got busy and we possibly missed a whole decade in the midst of keeping homes afloat, bosses happy, kids fed and relationships together.
Sooo, what to do next. Well in hind sight, Chill Out! Relax and Don’t Panic!! This is a natural process and doesn’t need to be painful or earth shattering. It can be a fantastic transitional time in your life where you set yourself up for the new and great things cutting out a whole lot of bullshit in the process! (for we are older and wiser now, right?)
Time to sit down and take a few notes and ask a few questions…
~ what is your life missing?
~ do you hate your job?
~ are you happy?
~ did you give it all away, and now you’re super pissed? (ie. Have you done anything for yourself and not just for everyone else if you are the caregiver type)
~ are you vain and have not ever needed to look any deeper within yourself? If so things are about to change and it’s a much easier and far more graceful to accept reality rather than to fight against it. Finding beauty, real beauty if far more attractive than trying to desperately cling to vanity. (which is a futile battle anyways) Time to dig deep… are you willing?
~ are you happy? Yes I have said that twice!
~ what hobby do you want to try? Why would you not try it? Why would you not take one hour out of the week for yourself and do something that might make you feel great?
~ how is your love life?
~ are you afraid of aging or dying
~ do you believe that you are in the drivers seat for your life? (because you are, no matter where it has landed) ((as I always say.. Yep, I drove myself here, and I dropped myself off!))
~ do you feel like you have options?
~ What do you WANT … what DO you want… what do YOU want… what are your dreams and desires??
~ Do you think you can have them? Do you think you should have them? Shouldn’t everyone??
Maybe one (or all) of the above questions are contributing to the deeper under lying causes of upset and agitation of that “mid life feeling“… no wait.. Awakening … From the Deep Slumber of Youth! Yes, in reflection, there is a bit of a slumber or “oblivion” that goes along with youth. But a blissful sort of “not knowing” out in LaLa Land that I really do miss, and yes, oh how I did love it!!
Now if anyone (or your inside voice) tells you it’s too late… kick their ass and opinions to the curb!!! Times may have made it to be different or slightly changed, but it is NEVER TOO LATE to live your life!!! To follow your dreams, to re-invent yourself and to be happy on the journey!! To say you cannot is absolute bullshit and something that keeps us all “in the box”, keeping us content with being the fuel for a larger, nonsensical world that we have collectively created.
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| MAKE IT HAPPEN!! |
We are greater than the trap we often fall into, and
have greater reach than we know and thank goodness for “mid-life upset” as it kicks us up, off of our complacent asses and shifts us into gear. Like myself and deadlines… well this literally is a deadline (pun intended). Given this new deadline brings me to another key point… we all really need to get over the issue of death.. We are all on the same train, some of us are on the 9 o’clock and some of us are on the 11 o’clock, but be sure of one thing… we are all getting on that train. So like aging, embrace the process and stop fighting it. It is a waste of time. We all only are guaranteed this moment and why would you not live it?? Why would we waste it or squander it? What are we waiting for???
The time is now! That is what your fortieth birthday or midlife moment is telling you. (and your fiftieth screams at you) Stop wasting time!! Retirement is a bullshit concept. Some people don’t make it that far, and how many people do you know that got sick shortly after retirement?? I mean the older I get the less adventurous I feel and the more having a bowl of cereal for supper and an early bedtime seems blissful!! Do It EARLY!! Do It Now!! Take the kids!! Especially given the fact many of us now have young children we are still raising in our forties and fifties! The time to act is Now (and that doesn’t mean go charge a couch to your credit card) and if you read this and you’re twenty… the same principals apply!!
And love? You need to be happy first and in love second! Don’t even get me started on the concept of “til death do us part” in marriage and relationships.. I mean that is a line you use on your leg… or a growth. But it sure as hell is not a remedy or philosophy for love… be happy, let others be happy… and if you can’t be happy or let someone else be happy, then Let It Go!
Not only be happy; be mature, be thoughtful, be kind, be fulfilled, be enriched, take all of the bad things that happen and use them to help you know good, or at the very least to help you to know what you don‘t want! This is not about living a perfect life (because quite frankly that does not exist) it is about living the life that is perfect for you! Yes there is compromise, and it can’t always happen this very second, but you can make the choice to start on a path (any path, because it will lead somewhere).
Messy is a part of everyone’s life, conflict is too, loss is guaranteed, hurt is inevitable, but I heard once… misery is optional. Take chances, tell people you love, treat them the way you want to be treated, and always move forward. Maybe you have to first slow the train that is speeding towards self destruction, or get pissed off to pull yourself out of a depression, or go on a trip, an adventure to remind yourself you are still YOU! You are still alive and well!!
Maybe the bookstore is as far as you can get this week, or the park, or the front porch .. But go!!
Forty is a jump off point, and fifty well it’s an absolute “shit or get off the pot” time!! I will have to live a decade to find out about almost 60 would mean and beyond. But on of my favourite authors wrote her first best sellers in her 60s and wrote many, many more for decades, and I’m sure she went to the other side, when she passed much happier than if she’d believed the nonsense of slowing down when you are older or did not take the chance to step outside the box . She was good at what she did and probably was able to skip a lot of the steps that go along with being young and fumbling through. One of my closest friends is 74 and (who plays several instruments) and just learned to play the mandolin, (mainly because I coerced her into it) but we are having a blast learning! Even if it is in her words a “miserable little prick to tune” LOL
We have the knowledge of age, we can book a trip in ten minutes or less, we can join a group, and we have all known our interests and passions since we were about 12, and if you worry about what other people I say who gives a hoot about what anyone will think of us?? I mean really, you play that game and you are now “the chicken on the hot tin roof”. A very tiring game.
I have realized the comparison game is silly, as no matter who you are, there will always be someone younger, someone prettier, someone more athletic, someone more talented, someone wittier, someone smarter, someone happier… but there is only one you. And you are exactly the right age, you are exactly where you are supposed to be and this is the perfect time to find your next perfect step. Mid life should be embraced and entered into as we have so much to offer to others, things we didn’t know when we were twenty; empathy, understanding and knowledge. We have many accomplishments, families and experiences we would not have otherwise.
We have wrinkles to show our years of smiles, if you’re a mom… stretch marks to show that you created a whole other life. If we can give our society and generation a new way to perceive aging I really think that would be wonderful, and it is the mid lifers (to post mid lifers) that need to be the change. For me, putting my thoughts and ideas out there for others to read, well that is just scary, but when that one person walked in with her three little beauties in tow, and said what the hell… well I decided that was my opportunity to move past my own fear and insecurities at “almost fifty” and put myself out there! I love to help and I have thought about this and lived this and wish I would have read this during the time when all I ever heard was, “midlife crisis, means he bought a sports car and had an affair, and she is a cougar ((a whole other blog)) which is all, quite frankly, really just a negative, nonsensical, North American, old school pile of hooey. I am not suggesting I would change any of my crazy decade and knowing me I would do it all again and of course the hard way since Me = Challenge. But maybe some insight would have allowed me to move a bit quicker and grow further and be more supported. I teach the way I teach young children, simply because it is what I wished I would have as a little one, so I guess this is the same deal.
I ’m not saying that everyone shouldn’t hit midlife and have a sports car and want to look 10 years younger, I think it is more we threw the baby out with the bathwater (who made up that saying anyways??) and jumping into life changing events (some that can leave lasting effects) may be better done with a clearer understanding and intention, I feel like at “almost fifty” I am still transitioning out of my mid life… and hey, who knows, I could end up to be 98 and still blogging?!
So at mid life I ask, why? Why not?? Dig deep and find out what makes you happy!! If possible, be thoughtful in this transition and enjoy the ride... All of it… the good, the bad and the messy, eat well, live well, be gentle on yourself, love yourself and make this life your own!! Be brave, have fun and expand. So when we are all blogging at “almost a hundred” or maybe even “almost a hundred and twenty” (for my questionably middle aged friend) we can say, WHOO HOO what a ride!! Or if we leave on an earlier train, we have no regrets and know in our hearts, we have left no stone unturned!
Post Script:
To My Almost Forty Friend...
I hope this helped and already this is shaping up to be an amazing adventure for you !!!
LOVE IT
LIVE IT
BE IT !!
Steph
To My Almost Forty Friend...
I hope this helped and already this is shaping up to be an amazing adventure for you !!!
LOVE IT
LIVE IT
BE IT !!
Steph
"Mid life awakening" says it all for me. Thanks Steph.
ReplyDeleteYes and your gang are living the adventure!!! Thanks Mike!!
DeleteLove this Steph! Never really thought about it this way. xoxo
ReplyDelete